Ultimatum
by valmontmerteuil
Summary: I’m finally doing what you’ve been telling me to do since we got out of the attic. I’m finding someone else. And you’re mad at me about it. PotW


I quietly pushed open the large door to Chris' room, and saw him sitting, forlorn, on his bed. I slowly walked over to his side. He looked so pitiful, with his head in his hands and his clothes ruffled; I couldn't help but wonder what had put him in this mood. I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and he jumped slightly at the contact. "Chris," I whispered as I sat down next to him and filled my small hands with his much larger ones. "What's wrong?" My voice was barely an octave above a whisper.

Chris laughed mockingly at me. "'What's wrong?' she asks. Cathy, are you honestly telling me you don't know?"

I couldn't understand for the life of me why his eyes looked so… disappointed. I stared at them for what seemed to be an eternity… trying desperately to understand what they were trying to tell me.

Finally, Chris sighed and tore his eyes away. "Cathy…" now he was the one whispering. Why, why were we always paranoid about being heard? Could we never leave the gloomy attic days where we had to always fear of the grandfather discovering us behind us? "You know Allison is leaving tomorrow."

Ahhh… I tried to catch his eyes but he kept his gaze focused on the floor, knowing me too well. "Yes… of course I do Chris… but what does that have to do with m-"

"Honestly Cathy!" His voice was no longer at a whisper. "Are you seriously sitting here telling me you don't see your part in my anguish?" He stood abruptly and ripped his hands from my grasp. "You are seriously going to sit there and stare at me with those eyes, so much like our mother's" I winced at the insult. As to us… any link to _her_ was the worst insult imaginable. "and condemn me for even _thinking_ about being with another woman. Damn you Cathy!" He began to stride around the room, his long legs setting a furious pace.

"I'm tired of being your lap dog!" Chris screamed at me with such ferocity it shook me to the bone. This wasn't my Christopher Doll. "Chris…" I began, attempting to sooth him. "No Cathy," he cut me off, "you can't charm me right now. Ever since we got out of the attic, I've watched you flit from man to man, waiting. I watched you marry twice and have an affair. Every time you asked me to do something I did it without a second thought. I waited even as you told me I should find someone else. I'm done waiting Cathy. You think what we did… what we _feel_ is evil... I can't change that. God knows I've tried. So I'm finally doing what you've been telling me to do since we got out of the attic. I'm finding someone else. And you're mad at me about it."

I stared at his trembling form, scared at the fact that I seemed to be the only person who could upset him like this. I didn't want to hurt him, truly I didn't, but we couldn't be together. Because what we felt for each other was sinful. But still… that didn't mean I wanted him to _leave me_. He couldn't leave me. Without him… I didn't make sense. He was my knight in shining armor… my only confidant for so long… the only person who knew me wholly and completely… my Christopher Doll. I couldn't lose him… I didn't know what I'd do. I stood and tried to put my arms around him but he shoved me away.

"I belong to someone else now Cathy. I've finally found someone else who I can try to love. Finally I've found someone who even comes close to the standards you set so early on in my life." The intensity he had come at me with earlier slowly melted as he stared at me with pleading eyes. "Please, Cathy, allow me to be happy. I could never stay with Allison if you were forever there trying to stop me. I'm not you. I don't know how you managed to stay with Julian and Bart and Paul and be happy while I was always there trying to stop you. Maybe I just care more about you than you care about me." His pleading eyes fell to the floor as he refused to look at me.

How could he think that? How could he think I cared less for him than he did for me? Oh Chris… don't you realize the only way I survived was by denying it… that I never was happy. That I'm still not… I never shall be unless it's with you. But we _can't _Christopher. We can't. It's wrong. We can't be our parents. Oh Chris. I tried once again to put my arms around him and this time he fell into them and clung to me as if I was the only dependable thing in the world, the only thing keeping him alive.

"I can't stand it Cathy. I can't stand watching you with Paul. Knowing at night you are laying in his arms. Please Cathy… allow me to attempt to be happy with Allison. Let me have something to keep me sane." He spoke as if I controlled him completely. He was his own person. I was only his sister. I had no control over what he did and whom he did it with. When I told him this he laughed bitterly. "Don't you get it Cathy? You will _always _control me. You will always have my heart. You're buried deep within me and no matter how hard I try I can never forget how much I love you. I can never forget the attic. Every woman I meet is automatically compared to you. And no one ever compares. But finally, finally in Allison I've found someone who can help me forget, if even for a moment. I need that Cathy."

"Oh Chris." I finally murmured after what seemed an eternity. "Dear Chris," I cupped his chin in my hands and forced him to look at me. "I'm sorry. So very, very sorry. I've been so selfish." I showered tiny kisses over his face. "How can you still love me, dear Christopher Doll? After all I've done to hurt you, how do you still care for me at all?" I sighed, stared longingly into those deep blue eyes that I wanted so desperately to give in to, and whispered. "I don't deserve your love."

His slight laugh tore at my heart. "Sometimes, Cathy... I look at you and see our mother. And at times like this, I often fear you're just playing with me like she always did. But then… I look into your blue eyes so like hers and see the difference there. While she was tainted so long ago, you're still My Lady Cath-er-ine."

I sighed and turned my gaze to my clasped hands. "Chris…" I attempted to make some sense of this crazy world our mother had shoved us ruthlessly into by killing Cory. We were too young… and she had warped us too much already… how had we survived as long as we had? I had tried so many times to understand why I felt so… dependent on Chris. Like if he ever loved another woman as much as me I wouldn't be whole. He was so much a part of me. Whenever I thought about this strange bond we had I always came to one conclusion. It was all _her _fault. If it weren't for her… Cory would still be alive… _Carrie _would still be alive… and Chris and I could have a normal brother-sister relationship. It was _all _her fault.

I sighed again. I had come to this conclusion many times before… and it didn't help my situation at the moment. How could I explain what I was feeling to Chris? That I didn't want to be a hindrance to him… that I really did want him to find love and happiness… I did! But still… I didn't want him to leave me… to choose this other girl over me.

No… I wasn't supposed to have this much control over him. I was only his sister. This was his decision to make. Even thinking this I know he would never do it without my permission. And before I could stop myself, I muttered, "Go, Chris."

He stared at me, the shock apparent on his face. Had he thought I would continue to be selfish like our mother? Never! I wasn't like her. I was better than her. I wasn't so selfish I would lock someone up for my own gain. And that's what I'd be doing to Chris. I'd be trapping him with me forever… never capable of being happy and normal… I wouldn't do that.

"What did you say, Cathy?" he whispered, as if afraid of my answer. Why did he look sad? This is what he wanted! He wanted me to release him and I just had… why was he looking so betrayed?

"Chris… this shouldn't be my decision to make. We shouldn't mean so much to each other. And I was being like _her _in trying to keep you to myself. I can't keep doing this. You need to go with Allison so we can both have a chance to be normal."

He frowned and stared deep into my blue irises. "You realize this is still about you don't you?"

"What?" I cried. How dare he try to make me look selfish! I was doing the right thing!

"You're only doing this so you can be happy with Paul and I'll be out of your life. You won't have to worry about me hearing you when you fuck him." I gasped at the word… I had never heard Chris use that word when referring to _that_. He continued on… acting as if he hadn't heard me. Or maybe he really hadn't. " Or seeing the way you long for him. Desire him. Need him. The way you never needed me. You never desired me the way I desired you." I felt a silent tear slip it's way down my cheek at his words. I could tell he truly meant what he was saying… he wasn't just trying to hurt me. I could see in his eyes that he truly thought I cared so little for him. Oh, the torment I must have put you through my dear Christopher Doll. "Cathy, Allison desires me the way I desire you. Let me have that. I _need_ that. You've never allowed yourself to love me the way I want. Allison does." The tears were flowing freely now. I couldn't stop them. Didn't he see how much he was hurting me?

"Cathy! Cathy, Cathy, Dear Catherine Doll! Wipe those traitorous tears from your face! You make me feel so guilty, Cathy. You're crying now as I've only seen you cry once before in your life. Cathy, your making me feel like I'm worse than Momma." Even more tears, if that was possible, began to stream quickly past my clenching eyelids before slipping innocently down my cheek at even a mention of _her_. I collapsed on the floor and sobbed brokenly.

"Go then!" I screamed at him. "Go, go and leave me! Like Daddy left me and Momma and Cory and Carrie and Jullian and Bart and everyone else I've ever cared about!" My already cracked heart began to shatter. "You _are_ just as bad as her! You're leaving me like she did! You love Allison more than me just like she loved money more than me!"

Chris sank to his knees by my side and clutched my quaking body to him. I beat my fists against his chest, trying to make him feel even an ounce of the pain he was currently causing me.

"NO!" I shrieked while attempting to free my arms from his iron grasp so I could claw his eyes out. Eyes that held so much pity. I didn't need pity! Not from _him_. He was supposed to be there for me and understand me but never _ever_ pity me! He was becoming like everyone else! "NO! No, no, no, no." I shouted it over and over again. My voice raising with every syllable. "Don't pity me Chris! Don't try to comfort me Chris! It's your fault! So much in my life it your fault! So many of the horrible things in my life are your fault!" If I had taken the time to read his eyes I would have seen the hurt there. But I didn't take the time to read them, I was too caught up in doing everything I could to rid myself of that damned feeling of emptiness that had risen up in the pit of my stomach at his pleas for me to allow him to be happy.

Chris cupped my still wet cheek in his hand and turned me to look at him. I ripped my head away. He tried once again and I allowed him a mere glance at my face before tearing it away again. He let out and irritated growl before grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him. I tried once more to turn my head but he held firm. For a moment we simply stared at each other before his gaze became too much. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, trying desperately to block the image of those stunning blue orbs from my mind. He held me for a moment more before promptly getting up and striding to my door.

My eyes opened quickly enough to see him stepping though the doorway. I crawled over to him and latched onto his legs. "Chris." I moaned. "Chris, no don't leave. I'm sorry, so, so sorry. Don't leave me Chris!" I turned my tear stained face upward. His own eyes glistened with unshed tears as he picked me up off the ground and carried me toward my bed. I expected him to just lay me down and leave but instead he crawled under the covers next to me.

I composed myself enough to get out a scandalized, "Chris, what are you-" before he cut me off by whispering, "Sh Cathy, I just want to hold you. Just for a little while. Completely innocent." I wanted to protest again but when I felt his soft golden locks hit my shoulder, I just couldn't. I allowed him to nestle himself against me and let out a contented sigh when he began rubbing my back.

"Why are we like this, Chris?" I mumbled quietly after a while. "Because," Chris responded, knowing what I was talking about without explanation. Another result of the attic. We understood each other to the point that if we wanted to we could complete each other's sentences. "We were just kids who spent over three years with nothing but each other. We became dependant on each other."

"I know," I replied. "But that doesn't seem like enough. We knew it was wrong. And yet it still happened. Most people put in our situation would be able to resist. Most people wouldn't even have the feelings in the first place. What's wrong with us?"

Chris flipped me so he could look into my eyes for a moment before he responded, "Nothing is wrong with us, Cathy. We are _not_ devil's spawn. Let go of these thoughts the cruel grandmother planted in your mind. We may not have conventional feelings for each other, but that doesn't make us evil."

"But Chris… even if what we feel for one another doesn't make us evil… do you honestly think we could be happy together? Could we ever forget? We couldn't, Chris. It was bred into us too early on."

Chris stared at me long and hard, contemplating my words, and replied. "You're right."

I bit back a gasp. Was he… _agreeing _with me? But… that wasn't supposed to happen. Chris is supposed to be my permanently optimistic other side. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I swiftly removed myself from his embrace. He didn't even pretend to look shocked at my withdrawal, merely gazed up at me with tired eyes.

"But… but." I stammered. "We could! Chris… we could make it work… maybe. It would be hard but… we love each other… right? And so we could make it work! Despite everything."

Chris stared at me for another long moment before pulling me back into his arms and exclaiming, "Oh my Catherine. Oh my dear, dear lady Cath-er-ine. How capable you are of deluding yourself when it suits your purposes. Do you honestly think we could be happy together? Do you honestly think you'd _allow_ yourself to be happy with me? I know you wouldn't. I know you wouldn't because I know you better than you know yourself. You who always turns the bright coin over to see the tarnish."

I laughed slightly at the truth in his words. What he'd just said proved to me what I had already mostly known. Only Chris knows me well enough to know the phrases I've never allowed outside the safety of my own mind. He knows everything there is to know about me. He's like another part of me. And that's why I couldn't listen to what he was saying… what I had just been saying. If he wasn't going to be the optimistic one, I would have to be. We could be happy together. We _could._ Because if we couldn't… I don't know what I'd do. He was the better part of me… losing him would destroy me as it had destroyed Carrie when Cory died.

"I could though, Chris. I could allow myself to be happy with you." His skeptical gaze urged me to continue. "Chris, I love you." I stated this as what it was, a fact. "And I know I can only really be happy if I'm with you. You're the only person who could be a real father to Jory and Bart. Please, Chris. I'm offering myself to you. Right now, this is it. Take it or leave it."

I wasn't usually the type of person to offer an ultimatum… or at least, I thought I wasn't… but these were desperate times. And desperate times call for desperate measures. This had to be the end of it. I was tired of this twisted relationship we call our own. He needed to make up his mind. I ignored the fact that I hadn't made up my mind until a few moments ago. That didn't matter. I had made up my mind. Now it was his turn.

Chris looked into my still tear stained eyes for a moment before responding so quietly I almost missed it, so quiet it seemed he wanted me to. "What about Paul?"

I must admit I was slightly surprised he mentioned Paul. I didn't really understand why he'd bring up my current husband while we were making plans to be together.

"What about him?" I murmured as a reply.

"What do you mean what about him?" Chris practically exploded. "You're married to the man Cathy. And in some people's minds that actually means something." He drew in a shuddering breath. "What are we going to tell him?"

"Well…" I said slowly, "We'll just…" I looked at his anxious eyes. "_Chris!"_ I said, exasperated. "Why do you insist on ruining this? That's _my_ job!" He laughed slightly. "You're supposed to be the optimistic one. The happy one who thinks everything will work out perfectly. And I'm the one who knows it won't. We can't both be rational!" This time his laugh was heartfelt as he gently pulled me into his arms and rested his chin lightly on top of my head.

"What would I do without you, Cathy?"

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Ohmygods! Katie wrote a story! And it's not CI! Pretty insane, huh? Well… I've been working on this for a long time and even though I'm afraid it won't be well received, I refuse to not post it. It's not my regular writing and I don't feel it's my best either and it remains slightly unresolved at the end but, hey, it's something, right?

I dedicate this to my bestest buddy Jordan (MyLadyCatherine). She helped me out with this big time . And she's read it at practically every stage. Although she no longer has internet internet so she won't ever get to read this, but, whatever. I heart her so she gets a dedication. YAY.


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